This One's For Livey

We've all been there but don't like to admit it.

We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing
down
below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival
Guide
for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in
your
area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.
Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
other
poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be
careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they
catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in
a
stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No
one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not
panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces
the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help
you
avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
up
the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in
and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist.
Can be avoided with the useof the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see
an
Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under
their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper
before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off
without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out
Of
The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite s*x. This will
reduce the odds of a pooper of your s*x entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force
the
door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can
occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until
the
Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in
a
stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd
Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If
you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop
in
peace.

WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion.
See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water.
Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait
to
poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bathroom attendees

and now different types of POOP!
##############################




Ghost Poop = You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but
no
poop in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Poop = Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel
it.
No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl
to
be sure you did it!

Gooey Poop = This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your butt 12
times
and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your
underwear so you don't stain it. This poop leaves permanent skid marks in
the
toilet.

Second Thought Poop = You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to
stand
up when you realize it...you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed
Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from
straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now Poop = You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has
its
head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Poop = This poop is so big that you know it
won't go
down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works
well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks Poop = This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash
that
gets your butt wet.

Wish Poop = You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!

Cement Block or Oh God Poop = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before
you
poop.

Snake Poop = This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb
and
at least three feet long.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's
still
floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens
at
someone else's house.

Mexican Food Poop (also called Screamers) = You'll know it's alright to eat
again when your butthole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Poop = This happens the day after the night before. Normally your
poop doesn't smell too bad, but this poop is BAD. Usually there's somebody
standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poop also usually happens
at
someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle = The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then
quickly goes back in.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it
falls
into the water.

The Ring of Fire Poop = The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and
your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long
your
legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber = The kind of poop that no matter how many times you flush it
always floats back to the surface.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're
trapped
in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Poop = The king of poop that sits in the toilet
overnight
and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

Jack the Ripper Poop = The kind of poop that yanks out your butthair as it
pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush
the
toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas Poop = The kind of poop that makes you pass out and fall of
the
toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South
American
town.

Dirty Bowl Poop = The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a
second,
reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all
over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Poop = When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that
you
no longer need to take a poop.