My Story and a Question

Ok, first a little background (yes, again) and then a question.

My biological father (of whom we will here on out refer to as the sperm donor) left my mother, my sister and I when I was 4. He never called, never wrote, never sent cards and most of all never paid a dime of child support. I guess I can't say he NEVER called. He called once when I was 15 to tell my mom how great he was doing and couldn't remember my name. My mother hung up on him. Last we heard, he was living it up somewhere in Phoenix, Arizona with the woman he left with. I don't remember much about him. I really only have two memories of him and neither of them are good. I have a picture of myself when I was a baby and he's in the background. You can hardly see his face, and that's the only picture I have of him. I've heard stories about him throughout the years. He was a very unpleasant man. He beat my mother pretty badly on a regular basis and was generally not nice to us girls. I've heard he subsequently had two sons. I got two different stories, one being that he gave them up for adoption and the other being that he kept them. I don't know which to believe but that's not really my point.

I really have no interest in meeting this man. My mother met a man when I was 10 and married him, and he's been my dad ever since. I don't even consider the other guy my father, hence the "sperm donor" comment. My problem is that as of late, I've been really feeling like I want to try and find my two half-brothers. I don't want anything to do with the sperm donor and I really would much rather he not find out I went looking for anyone, but I just can't shake this feeling that I need to try and find the boys (well, they're men now).

I talked it all over with Scott this morning and basically he said that if it were him, he'd just let it go. It has been 30 years since he left and he figures water under the bridge and all. I can see his point. However, I still can't shake this nagging feeling that I need to at least LOOK for those two half-brothers.

I'm really torn here. Scott's afraid that I'll find them and find out they don't want anything to do with me and be hurt. I'm thinking that hell, I'm hurt already and at least if I find them and they don't want anything to do with me...I'll know that at least I tried. I can't help but feel that I'll feel much worse NOT looking and not knowing, than I would if I just looked and found out they don't wanna see me.

I haven't decided what I should do and I really wanna know what others not so close to the situation think. I have a VERY small family that means SO much to me and I feel like a part of that is missing somehow. I don't know. It's all so confusing.

So...I beg of you...tell me what you think. What would YOU do in this situation? HAS too much time gone by? Should I just let bygones be bygones? Should I search until I find them? I want to know what you think.