Losing It

Tell me dear readers, how can one tell when they haven't had their antidepressant medication for awhile?


When the garbage man comes too early and you miss him...and a gigantic crying session soon follows.

I could tell last night that things were not going to be great when I was watching a tv show and I found myself unable to stop crying at the end. I told my best friend last night that I just felt like throwing a temper tantrum, crying and just all-around being a brat. This morning that happened.

The garbage man comes at 7:30am without fail every week. We are unable to put our garbage out the night before because the birds always get in it (we have a garbage can, but they still get into the recycling). My alarm is set for 7am every morning and on Friday's I always get up right away (instead of hitting the snooze a million times) and get the garbage out before they come through. Not this morning though. I awoke at 6:58am to the sound of the garbage man next door. I flew outta bed, opened the front door just as the garbage truck was flying by my house. I stood there for a second, and then said "Oh SHIIIIIT!" and slammed the door. That was pretty much it for me. I started crying, went into the kitchen and started the coffee, went to the bathroom and decided I wasn't ready to face the world. I laid in bed for a half hour crying my eyes out. Totally unlike me!

I'm generally a happy-go-lucky person, although I've been dealing with depression from my teenage years on. I can go for years and years and be just fine and then stress hits, and I cope. Major life changes, and I cope. I stuff it, I stifle it, I throw it off to the side...anything so no one will see on the outside how much I suffer on the inside. I did that faithfully until 2003. January of 2003, I was very sick and hurting all the time. I was in a very bad place. It took its toll on me and by the end of the month, I found myself committed to the hospital for a one-week stint of hospitalization and extreme therapy. They'd let me out and I'd be right back a week later. I spent most of spring that year this way.

When things finally got better...it was too late for Scott. I was no longer the woman he married, but someone completely different. I was dependent, needy, clingy and scared. We split up that year. Although we saw each other every weekend and spent some time together, it just wasn't the same. I got better everyday (thanks to medication and some serious counseling), I learned alot about myself and what sets me off, and I became a solid, independent person. That's when Scott and I started talking about living together again. The rest, as they say...is history.

Ya know, I wasn't planning on telling y'all this today, but I got to thinking. I originally started this blog, not just for fun...but for me to have an outlet. I spend the vast majority of my time alone. My kids have school and friends and homework. My husband works ALOT and needs well-earned rest when he's home. That leaves me to myself. I thought I'd start this blog, get out the things that bother me, make me feel good and to share my experiences with others that might understand where I've been and where I'm going. What I've succeeded to do is start a blog that many times is nothing but fluff. I don't talk about important world issues (not that I think I'd start that route, I don't think I have enough awareness to make it intelligible), I don't talk about the feelings, thoughts and experiences I encounter. What I do is...post little jokes, little cartoons and take quizzes. It occurred to me that I've been blogging for almost 5 months and not one of my readers really knows me any better now than they did the day I started. I intend to rectify that.

I know I've shoved stuff back so much, people honestly think my life has always been good, and solid and safe. I've found that those whose blogs are really making a difference are the ones that are written from the heart. I intend to do that too.

I am going to be ok. I know that. I have so much more strength now than I've EVER had and I will never go back to that place. My life is very much worth living and I intend to live a very long time!